Thoughts Right Now.....

....golly gee, quite a bit. What do you do when the the mind won't stop talking to you? You have to stop arguing with it and listen. Otherwise you just go plain bonkers.  Muddling through the thoughts I respectively ask my brain to at least calm down so I can pinpoint one thought at a time. Brain obliges and I'm grateful and then glaring at me is the word FEAR. Bollocks. Why did you have to go and do that brain?...and I swear I hear a sneer...FEAR sits nicely with FAILURE. In fact, they are buddies, the kind who have known each other a trillion years and no matter how much time passes, meet n greet with a hearty slap on the back and just pick up where they left off.  I first met these two early in childhood when they cruelly sneaked up on me and yelling BOO! my life changed.  Yet even with all the uplifting seminars and people I've met over the years who instill positive energy, it remains and is a work in progress to overcome. You'd have to read my book to get the low down yet really I know I fail myself because I already give myself permission to do so and why the heck do we do that?  I have no excuses. A common asked question is this: What do you fear most in life? I know the most common response and I have lived and survived it...so how can I be fearful of anything else in my life? The irony is that I give the advice, instill hope, yet a lot of the time do not always live it and I feel ashamed, feel unreal, like I'm someone else, you know, that kind of person who hugs or kisses without touching along with a fake smile you forget. All I know is that I am not that kind of person and so it troubles me when these feelings surface yet at the same time have come to learn that I am simply being human. I fear failure for many reasons yet mostly for not shaping up to humanity, to not always being there when someone reached out, to seeing who we are and why we are here and accepting the path given to me; that in order to keep moving, I have to get out of the way...of ME.... So when my deep rooted insecurity rises majestically, like King Neptune in the vast ocean we know as life and can drown in, I realize that the little fish I am, CAN...swim.  Where I'm going, I still don't know...the ocean is vast, I pass many individuals, some friendly, some not, the ocean is tumultuous and is justly perfect. So failure and fear I have come to know and accept with Grace...and why? Because failure strengthens me, keeps me grounded yet equally fear allows me to grow, to bloom like a weed that stubbornly refuses to die and for a garden to grow, even weeds have their place ....

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE....

Thoughts Right Now.....

...are many. I was just reflecting as I read my last blog back in January on how much things have changed since then and again at how truly Blessed I am.   There have been times as we struggled with our challenges when Jen and I almost threw in the towel yet when it came down to it, we found ourselves unable, instead realizing that we are forever wrapped in that towel and the tough circumstances only served to remind us how durable and strong that towel truly is, along with its depth of comfort, protecting us with its loving warmth proving once again that out of darkness, true light SHINES.  The track ahead as we travel the railroad of life remains somewhat uncertain despite there are some scheduled stops ahead, and I look forward to the people who choose to embark on this journey with me; of what we shall discover together, for there is growth in all we do, in all we say and how we act toward each other.  Whether it be at work, with our families, out and about in our communities, with our partners or socializing with friends, we are connecting and sharing, having an impact on someone's life and they on us, even if we are unaware of it.

Undoubtedly there will be some unscheduled stops or a switch in the tracks to who knows where and I know from experience that those will likely be the most rewarding.  It's amazing what you discover when you find yourself in that spot, usually arising out of a poor choice or a circumstance you could not have foreseen or to humbly realize you made a huge mistake.  The lesson is even greater, if you pay attention and act upon it, rise up and grow and just as I say that, Lee Majors and the Bionic Man just popped into my head and the words, 'we can rebuild him' float by.  What the heck? Ah well, I get it;)

I miss Ollie. I miss him every day. Yet every day is a reminder in a good way of why we are all here and what we came to do.  Sometimes (certain) people get irritated when I talk of Ollie or mention the book coming out, and I feel momentarily hurt, yet just as I mention above, is all the MORE reason to do what I do.  It's important, that's all I know and I am simply paying it forward, as he asked and because well, it just feels good to me.

So as I continue on this journey, clickety clack, clickety clack, I cannot help but smile and shake my head at the wonder of it all and how we always end up in the right place, right on time, mishaps n all. I have dreams and aspirations, both personally and professionally, as I hope you do too, for without these our souls are truly depleted....all you have to do is believe.  Recently, I spoke with my friend Tammy at Metra Railways, I was asking if Ollie's engine, Engine 401 would be on display on National Train Day and she told me that he is due for his annual maintenance check so will be in the shed all weekend.  I was not disappointed and found myself actually laughing with Jen later as I recalled the chat because he always knew he would be a train and there was Tammy saying, "Ollie's going to be getting a clean up and routine repairs to spruce him up."......Believe.......

New Year Thoughts Right Now....

...are firstly to wish you a TRULY wonderful new year. It's been quite a year in the Tibbles residence. For several months we had no home, loss of jobs meant not only leaving our home yet also not being in a financial position to even store our furniture which meant giving it away. Yes, we could have sold it yet we chose to give it away to folks who needed it and the payback I cannot express in words here. Paying it forward is what we all came here to do (took me many years to actually 'get' that) and our gift to others has indeed come back to us in measures we could not have imagined. From those who offered us shelter when we were homeless, to those who helped us financially and with gifts of food and Xmas fare (both here and in the UP) we are Blessed and have no regrets whatsoever; the kindness of others is testimony to the human spirit that often appears neglected when we view life via the media that seems to focus on material wealth, the cruelty of life and that (we) are unimportant unless you are famous and is why we rarely watch television these days although finally getting ourselves connected again via Comcast weirdly makes me feel like I am back in the human race, LOL and got all nostalgic flicking through the basic TV channels seeing Arthur, WGN News and CBS Channel 2 which was the first American TV station I saw when arriving in this country on New Year's Eve back in 1997 and who would have thought that the very same station would be filming the release of Metra Engine 401 into service, named after Oliver "Ollie" Tibbles in May of 2005 following the Make A Wish Grand Ball where I was the guest speaker.

Reflecting on much today yet mostly this past year, we've been homeless, been showered by kindness, tormented and inspired by the behavior of others out of which we have grown as human beings, reminding us once again that faith and the belief that anything is possible when you hold hope and truth in your heart. I have watched with immense pride my children Jessica and George bloom and flourish as I stand on the sidelines, witnessing via facebook mostly, their trials and tribulations yet they rise above it all with grace, humor and wisdom far beyond their young years. The challenges presented to Jen and I have caused injury to our relationship, yet the POWER of love always wins and we are still here, stronger than ever. Later this month marks the time we met 6 years ago and for the privileged few who know the story of HOW that came to be, we often laugh with much fondness at the memory and no doubt will irritate my future grandchildren, or rather their parents when as the eccentric old person I know I am going to be, will happily share the story to all and sundry at family gatherings. After all, that's what grandparents do right? *wink*

I have made mistakes this past year. I make mistakes every year. When I think about it, I don't believe I've ever had a year where I could say "It was a perfect year." I mean, with no mistakes. Is that possible even? Yet I believe as I always do, that we act, respond, make choices in the moment that our gut, instinct, or whatever you want to call it, allows us to feel and if the feeling says 'go'....then I respond. It's so strong I can't ignore it and no matter the outcome, I don't regret the choices I made because much goodness arose out of them, even with the unforeseen consequences. The other side of this is that when we feel asked to move in a certain direction that doesn't make sense yet you go with it anyway, you are acutely aware of your faith being tested and even though I BELIEVE, the test takes you further because your loved ones, family and friends are not always on the same wavelength and that in itself causes harm on many levels. Communication is key and even though lines can get crossed, the important thing is to just keep talking; try to get through, so eventually people have an opportunity to be heard and the airwaves are alive again with humanity understanding.

The human mind continues to fascinate me; one minute I'm thinking about work, my kids, the suffering of a friend I have never even met, the next my tummy flips as I recall memories of the night before with Jen and then I recall a conversation with a lovely old chap I met in Hospitality yesterday who upon noticing my accent shared with me (he's 82) his time stationed in England during the second world war where he was a pilot and how he met and fell in love with his wife (now passed) and how much they enjoyed their walks in the English countryside. He wept as I stood folding towels and I walked around and asked if he would like a hug, ""I'm a good hugger you know." I said. And he responded, "You British ladies always are." He then introduced me to his daughter who is also British and married an American, just like her Mum. Moments like these remind me of LIFE and how precious it is and how important and connected we all are, even when we don't realize it. Here's to another year of such moments, I welcome you 2012 with much love and anticipation of what you will bring to me and my family.

Halloween thoughts.....

I've always loved Halloween. Growing up in England I would be envious of the American way of life as  I observed Halloween via British TV; the gaudy over-the-top decorations, haunted houses, parades and yearn to go trick or treating as I wondered what costume I'd wear.  I lived in rural England, the South East coast, in the County of Kent, known as the 'garden of England.'  It's beautiful because it IS rural. Yet rural also means for a young person, 'boring and old fashioned' and whilst today I fully appreciate its charm, back then, it was boring and no one even knew what Halloween was, not a pumpkin in sight, let alone actually celebrate the season. I never imagined as a young girl I would actually live in the US and finally experience my dream.  When I first came to this great country it was overwhelmingly exciting. I remember as we took off from London Heathrow and the seat belt sign went off I could hardly believe it, I was going to live the American dream! Arriving at our new home I fell in love with all things American; Coffee, flavored creamers, drive ins, huge open plan homes, white picket fences (I even dreamed of those as a young girl), breakfast diners with as much coffee as you want, no queues at the check out, snow at Christmas, Thanksgiving and car parks that are always half empty and the fact I would never have to reverse park again in my life, it was great! I also fell in love with the Mid west people who welcomed us with open arms....and of course, there was Halloween. That first year we went beserk with decorating the house, spent way too much money on lights, spooky sounds and fog machines and invited all our new neighbors to our first Halloween party which was a MONSTER smash! It was magical and I realized I really WAS living the American dream and our children were thriving as they settled into their new life as if it had always been there. We would have our last Halloween party in 2003 before Ollie died in the Spring of 2004 and it was a grand affair as we turned our front yard into the local Halloween 'hot spot' and Ollie joyously giggled as we scared the living daylights out of those passing by as he hit 'play' on the truly scary music he had selected earlier that week at Target.  Like all the holidays that come around, the birthdays, the seasons, the moments, you never want it to end and taking down the decorations was just as painful as taking down the ribbons I had around the trees in our backyard for months after Ollie passed when I just knew that it was time to do so and no one seemed to notice.  It's funny what you get angry about or painfully miss when your child is gone, what you WOULD be doing, but is just taken from you and there is not a damn thing you can do about it.  There are times when you want to scream out about it yet cannot, at least, not in public.  Being the youngest child of mine, Ollie would still be in that childish fascination stage for several more years and there would have been more parades, more costumes, more scaredy-cat moments and shenanigans with his brother and sister. I get jealous of other parents who still have that....then angry at those who get annoyed at their kids just because they want to dress up and the parents can't be bothered.  I miss Halloween. I miss it because like everything else, it will never be the same .... yet I am grateful to this great country and its wonderful traditions and for bringing Halloween to not only me and fulfilling a dream I had yearned for as a child, yet also, for a brief time, to my son Ollie, who LOVED this time of year....Happy Halloween my son, I love you...

Thoughts Right Now....

...are firstly that it's been a very long time since I blogged and sitting here in my dressing gown with fingers at keyboard, feel very much at home. I have missed it. Feels good to be back. If you could see me now you would laugh; not long out the bed, hair looking like I've been pulled through a hedge backwards, smudgy eye make up because I couldn't be bothered to take it off last night and even remnants of popcorn in my teeth because I also couldn't be bothered to clean my teeth last night either. Yes, a sight indeed! Yet the Tibbles clean up can wait. I have coffee and I have thoughts. Perfect combination. Looking at Jen who is still in bed and just as messy as I am, I cannot help but marvel at how beautiful she looks as she lays there so peaceful and how Blessed I am for this love. It saves you. It saves you from everything. In the one moment I gaze upon her I am acutely aware that no matter how challenging life can get or how little we have it all fades with the knowledge that what we have is truly precious, even rare... and that there are many out there who have it all yet have nothing and I discover I am not poor at all with riches of the heart that are never-ending. This is what saves me. This is where I go when the world seems to intrude on my life and I allow it to affect me. I reach for it to heal me, to clean my soul when it feels tarnished with man's burdens. I have always had an open door to mankind. Invite all and sundry, whether in person or via social networks such as facebook. Come on in! Pull up a chair and let's talk a while. I've met some pretty amazing people along the way and had incredible good fortune be showered upon me and also my family. I've been stunned by kindness, flabbergasted by generosity and overwhelmed by the spirit of humanity that often shines on my profile through those who visit me.  Yet I have also stood in stunned shock at the cruelty of some visitors who barge in without even knocking and take advantage of the warm chair I offer; that even with the kindness I bestow, will burgle my good nature, ram sack my heart then leave, SLAMMING the door on the way out. Standing in the chaos of mankind's selfish agenda can be suffocating so I go to that which saves me, which ultimately saves us all...to LOVE. There is no greater weapon more powerful than one which bears no arms than that of love ... and I yield to it with a grateful heart. Recently I announced my intention to leave this social world in cyber space, to refresh and cleanse my mind of man's frailties yet the weapon to which I yield has been raised by many who come to my aid and strengthens me. I feel somewhat like a warrior; of peace and love yet now unafraid to stand up to the bullies if I have to because as I look out at them I see beyond the ego, the pride, the selfish heart, understanding that deep down there is pain, insecurity and to even contemplate yielding to the weapon of love for them, almost unbearable.  The lesson in all of this, in all of life always goes back to the beginning, of creation, of the child nestled in the womb, of the first cry as we enter the world, untouched, pure and the same as we leave...is love. It is all we have to offer and cannot be forced, coerced, paid for or bought.  What matters is that we do, regardless of whether another wants to receive it or not. It is what we came here to do. So I go to love and intend to stay in this world a little longer, embracing the lessons and growth. I will not be putting a lock on my door, that would never do and I offer up the same comfy chair to those who wish to share in my company, only this time when sensing man's dark side, will not be afraid to frisk them as they enter;) ... and like a house full of clutter, long overdue its spring cleaning, will take joy in seeing what's not wanted, removed and taken to Goodwill where it will be put to use for those who need it....paying it forward...with love.

Farewell Me Lovelies, It's Been Swell....

...and the journey continues as I travel the crazy railroad of life with the tracks switching and destination Chicago. Yes, next month, I am headed HOME. Home to my son George, my daughter Jessica and my Lifetime family, Ollie's engine and an amazing opportunity that presented itself when I visited Chicago recently which I am not at liberty to reveal at the moment yet am positively bouncy! bouncy! TIGGER excited as I ride out of the U.P. and its genteel, wonderful people. I will miss them. The residents of the Upper Peninsular Michigan are a rare breed, the kind you often seen portrayed in those Sundance Movies; quirky, real, with characters all their own if you take the time to look and get to know them. Generosity oozes from their pores and I have personally witnessed it when being poor was no longer something I just said, it became a reality. Their kindness I will always remember...and I know I will return for they are forever in my heart. I will miss the stars that lay like a black sequined dress across the skies at night, the deer that roam yards from our trailor, the woman in the beat up old truck that passes each morning, fag hanging from her dry cracked lips as she waves a cheery hello while I sip my morning coffee on the deck. I never did know her name. The Eagles that soar overhead and the loud thunder of the trains that rock our trailor when they pass. I always did smile at that. I will miss the serenity of the forest and its inhabitants, the water and the culture of this magical place yet know I take it all with me. I thank you Michigan....mostly, I thank its people, for were it not for you, I would not be traveling down this track back to the windy city I love so much.  The place where everything began...and continues...I love you all, God Bless.

It's a SET UP.

Well it is. I really wish I could claim credit to this simple phrase yet credit for my 'nicking' of the truth goes to a dear friend who I know is happy I stole it and simply paying it forward. I blog now in the times we as bloggers and writers know only too well...when we are emotional, drunk, giddy, affected, in pain or all of the above, the BEST time. For then the truth shows. People want reality, not in the kind we see on TV where cameras carefully shoot a scene of UNreality, the STAGED kind or what they PERCEIVE we want to see, no, the reality of life as we know it are the people who make our world go round, the ones we NEVER see; the woman in Dominics, Kathy, who I have known for 10 years, who wears the badge with pride; 'happily serving you since 1976' and standing in McDonalds recently as I left Chicago, her work colleague James, just happened to be there for his daily $1 burger  to inform me she was retiring and I just happened to have ONE  copy of my book All Aboard! left in the car from my book signing and I happily gave it to him remembering years earlier how, "One day, Kathy, One day, Ollie's story will be in print..." SET UP. Oh the stories she could tell and how the HECK did Uncle Lou get in on THAT story?!.... or our hairdressers who tend to our tresses while we happily share intimately our lives yet cannot do so with those we love yet how ironic, she knows so and so who just happened to see what-his-face who ALSO was at Aunt Jemima's where Ed lived..and then Ed and Jemima gave to a woman generously and that same woman is now standing on your doorstep.....well, you get the picture.. It's a SET UP. In sharing, giving and simply being while we are here on this often strange yet astonishing journey called life, we are, somewhat without knowing...connecting.... we are crossing paths with individuals and making things happen. At least, it does when we see, when we recognize those amazing moments...those what-ever-you-want-to-call-them happenings....the ah ha! times....the God Winks...I don't care what you call them, yet the times in our lives when something occurs and it allows a stirring in the gut, the soul, the heart, and you...smile...knowing that something kinda weird, yet good just happened. It's a bloody SET UP...and why?...well...because it's a SET UP. It's already DONE and DUSTED. Railroad laid out....tracks SET...destination MARKED. And you my friend, whether you like or not, are on your way traveling down that railroad of life with a great big HONK of the magic engine as it steers you to who knows where yet do so knowing you will arrive, right on time....because whether you are 7, 17, 27, 47 or 107.....enjoy the ride while you can....because the truth of the matter is knowing it's a set up.....and believing in what it means....for then, the true magic happens....