Halloween thoughts.....

I've always loved Halloween. Growing up in England I would be envious of the American way of life as  I observed Halloween via British TV; the gaudy over-the-top decorations, haunted houses, parades and yearn to go trick or treating as I wondered what costume I'd wear.  I lived in rural England, the South East coast, in the County of Kent, known as the 'garden of England.'  It's beautiful because it IS rural. Yet rural also means for a young person, 'boring and old fashioned' and whilst today I fully appreciate its charm, back then, it was boring and no one even knew what Halloween was, not a pumpkin in sight, let alone actually celebrate the season. I never imagined as a young girl I would actually live in the US and finally experience my dream.  When I first came to this great country it was overwhelmingly exciting. I remember as we took off from London Heathrow and the seat belt sign went off I could hardly believe it, I was going to live the American dream! Arriving at our new home I fell in love with all things American; Coffee, flavored creamers, drive ins, huge open plan homes, white picket fences (I even dreamed of those as a young girl), breakfast diners with as much coffee as you want, no queues at the check out, snow at Christmas, Thanksgiving and car parks that are always half empty and the fact I would never have to reverse park again in my life, it was great! I also fell in love with the Mid west people who welcomed us with open arms....and of course, there was Halloween. That first year we went beserk with decorating the house, spent way too much money on lights, spooky sounds and fog machines and invited all our new neighbors to our first Halloween party which was a MONSTER smash! It was magical and I realized I really WAS living the American dream and our children were thriving as they settled into their new life as if it had always been there. We would have our last Halloween party in 2003 before Ollie died in the Spring of 2004 and it was a grand affair as we turned our front yard into the local Halloween 'hot spot' and Ollie joyously giggled as we scared the living daylights out of those passing by as he hit 'play' on the truly scary music he had selected earlier that week at Target.  Like all the holidays that come around, the birthdays, the seasons, the moments, you never want it to end and taking down the decorations was just as painful as taking down the ribbons I had around the trees in our backyard for months after Ollie passed when I just knew that it was time to do so and no one seemed to notice.  It's funny what you get angry about or painfully miss when your child is gone, what you WOULD be doing, but is just taken from you and there is not a damn thing you can do about it.  There are times when you want to scream out about it yet cannot, at least, not in public.  Being the youngest child of mine, Ollie would still be in that childish fascination stage for several more years and there would have been more parades, more costumes, more scaredy-cat moments and shenanigans with his brother and sister. I get jealous of other parents who still have that....then angry at those who get annoyed at their kids just because they want to dress up and the parents can't be bothered.  I miss Halloween. I miss it because like everything else, it will never be the same .... yet I am grateful to this great country and its wonderful traditions and for bringing Halloween to not only me and fulfilling a dream I had yearned for as a child, yet also, for a brief time, to my son Ollie, who LOVED this time of year....Happy Halloween my son, I love you...

Thoughts Right Now....

...are firstly that it's been a very long time since I blogged and sitting here in my dressing gown with fingers at keyboard, feel very much at home. I have missed it. Feels good to be back. If you could see me now you would laugh; not long out the bed, hair looking like I've been pulled through a hedge backwards, smudgy eye make up because I couldn't be bothered to take it off last night and even remnants of popcorn in my teeth because I also couldn't be bothered to clean my teeth last night either. Yes, a sight indeed! Yet the Tibbles clean up can wait. I have coffee and I have thoughts. Perfect combination. Looking at Jen who is still in bed and just as messy as I am, I cannot help but marvel at how beautiful she looks as she lays there so peaceful and how Blessed I am for this love. It saves you. It saves you from everything. In the one moment I gaze upon her I am acutely aware that no matter how challenging life can get or how little we have it all fades with the knowledge that what we have is truly precious, even rare... and that there are many out there who have it all yet have nothing and I discover I am not poor at all with riches of the heart that are never-ending. This is what saves me. This is where I go when the world seems to intrude on my life and I allow it to affect me. I reach for it to heal me, to clean my soul when it feels tarnished with man's burdens. I have always had an open door to mankind. Invite all and sundry, whether in person or via social networks such as facebook. Come on in! Pull up a chair and let's talk a while. I've met some pretty amazing people along the way and had incredible good fortune be showered upon me and also my family. I've been stunned by kindness, flabbergasted by generosity and overwhelmed by the spirit of humanity that often shines on my profile through those who visit me.  Yet I have also stood in stunned shock at the cruelty of some visitors who barge in without even knocking and take advantage of the warm chair I offer; that even with the kindness I bestow, will burgle my good nature, ram sack my heart then leave, SLAMMING the door on the way out. Standing in the chaos of mankind's selfish agenda can be suffocating so I go to that which saves me, which ultimately saves us all...to LOVE. There is no greater weapon more powerful than one which bears no arms than that of love ... and I yield to it with a grateful heart. Recently I announced my intention to leave this social world in cyber space, to refresh and cleanse my mind of man's frailties yet the weapon to which I yield has been raised by many who come to my aid and strengthens me. I feel somewhat like a warrior; of peace and love yet now unafraid to stand up to the bullies if I have to because as I look out at them I see beyond the ego, the pride, the selfish heart, understanding that deep down there is pain, insecurity and to even contemplate yielding to the weapon of love for them, almost unbearable.  The lesson in all of this, in all of life always goes back to the beginning, of creation, of the child nestled in the womb, of the first cry as we enter the world, untouched, pure and the same as we leave...is love. It is all we have to offer and cannot be forced, coerced, paid for or bought.  What matters is that we do, regardless of whether another wants to receive it or not. It is what we came here to do. So I go to love and intend to stay in this world a little longer, embracing the lessons and growth. I will not be putting a lock on my door, that would never do and I offer up the same comfy chair to those who wish to share in my company, only this time when sensing man's dark side, will not be afraid to frisk them as they enter;) ... and like a house full of clutter, long overdue its spring cleaning, will take joy in seeing what's not wanted, removed and taken to Goodwill where it will be put to use for those who need it....paying it forward...with love.

Farewell Me Lovelies, It's Been Swell....

...and the journey continues as I travel the crazy railroad of life with the tracks switching and destination Chicago. Yes, next month, I am headed HOME. Home to my son George, my daughter Jessica and my Lifetime family, Ollie's engine and an amazing opportunity that presented itself when I visited Chicago recently which I am not at liberty to reveal at the moment yet am positively bouncy! bouncy! TIGGER excited as I ride out of the U.P. and its genteel, wonderful people. I will miss them. The residents of the Upper Peninsular Michigan are a rare breed, the kind you often seen portrayed in those Sundance Movies; quirky, real, with characters all their own if you take the time to look and get to know them. Generosity oozes from their pores and I have personally witnessed it when being poor was no longer something I just said, it became a reality. Their kindness I will always remember...and I know I will return for they are forever in my heart. I will miss the stars that lay like a black sequined dress across the skies at night, the deer that roam yards from our trailor, the woman in the beat up old truck that passes each morning, fag hanging from her dry cracked lips as she waves a cheery hello while I sip my morning coffee on the deck. I never did know her name. The Eagles that soar overhead and the loud thunder of the trains that rock our trailor when they pass. I always did smile at that. I will miss the serenity of the forest and its inhabitants, the water and the culture of this magical place yet know I take it all with me. I thank you Michigan....mostly, I thank its people, for were it not for you, I would not be traveling down this track back to the windy city I love so much.  The place where everything began...and continues...I love you all, God Bless.

It's a SET UP.

Well it is. I really wish I could claim credit to this simple phrase yet credit for my 'nicking' of the truth goes to a dear friend who I know is happy I stole it and simply paying it forward. I blog now in the times we as bloggers and writers know only too well...when we are emotional, drunk, giddy, affected, in pain or all of the above, the BEST time. For then the truth shows. People want reality, not in the kind we see on TV where cameras carefully shoot a scene of UNreality, the STAGED kind or what they PERCEIVE we want to see, no, the reality of life as we know it are the people who make our world go round, the ones we NEVER see; the woman in Dominics, Kathy, who I have known for 10 years, who wears the badge with pride; 'happily serving you since 1976' and standing in McDonalds recently as I left Chicago, her work colleague James, just happened to be there for his daily $1 burger  to inform me she was retiring and I just happened to have ONE  copy of my book All Aboard! left in the car from my book signing and I happily gave it to him remembering years earlier how, "One day, Kathy, One day, Ollie's story will be in print..." SET UP. Oh the stories she could tell and how the HECK did Uncle Lou get in on THAT story?!.... or our hairdressers who tend to our tresses while we happily share intimately our lives yet cannot do so with those we love yet how ironic, she knows so and so who just happened to see what-his-face who ALSO was at Aunt Jemima's where Ed lived..and then Ed and Jemima gave to a woman generously and that same woman is now standing on your doorstep.....well, you get the picture.. It's a SET UP. In sharing, giving and simply being while we are here on this often strange yet astonishing journey called life, we are, somewhat without knowing...connecting.... we are crossing paths with individuals and making things happen. At least, it does when we see, when we recognize those amazing moments...those what-ever-you-want-to-call-them happenings....the ah ha! times....the God Winks...I don't care what you call them, yet the times in our lives when something occurs and it allows a stirring in the gut, the soul, the heart, and you...smile...knowing that something kinda weird, yet good just happened. It's a bloody SET UP...and why?...well...because it's a SET UP. It's already DONE and DUSTED. Railroad laid out....tracks SET...destination MARKED. And you my friend, whether you like or not, are on your way traveling down that railroad of life with a great big HONK of the magic engine as it steers you to who knows where yet do so knowing you will arrive, right on time....because whether you are 7, 17, 27, 47 or 107.....enjoy the ride while you can....because the truth of the matter is knowing it's a set up.....and believing in what it means....for then, the true magic happens....

Those Damn Flying Monkeys...

It's a tough call when you're on the yellow brick road of life to rise to what you know, to humbly BE on the path, the journey of who you are, meant to be and not be affected by those damn flying monkeys that when you least expect, turn up and revel in being a nuisance as they try to get you off or at the very least want to leave you wondering if you're going in the right direction. Of course, that's the whole point, the hidden lesson..it's what we do with the monkeys that matters, the choice we make; allow for anger? Bitterness? Jealousy? Or allow for kindness, forgiveness, non judgment and simply let it go...I speak not only for myself here, yet for all humanity because we need reminding and we need it often.  We live in a world where ego is more important than our hearts and feuding and fighting has all but consumed them; where ego has banished forgiveness with a careless wave of the hand, along with arrogant PRIDE who doesn't give a shit. FEAR has people literally fighting for their own souls, IF they have the guts to go there, most do not, because FEAR and EGO are in cahoots. Joined at the hip. ONE and the SAME. And I can hear those flying monkeys cackling with laughter because they know...they are part of the SET UP of life and the path that we never choose, do not sign up for yet is given..long before we take that first step on the yellow brick road and one moment today was testimony to that. I was at the elementary school that Ollie used to attend and as I chatted to Debbie, one of the school secretaries, we observed a 2nd grader who was in the sick bay, a place Ollie visited often. She told me how much she enjoyed their quiet conversations as he lay there waiting for me and then with tears in her eyes said, "I will never forget how he would stroke my hand and tell me that he hoped I would ride his train some day because that is what I am going to be Miss Debbie, a train." She recalled he shared this with her several times and had almost forgotten and only now...can she 'see' this innocent and astonishing prophecy.  We do not sign up for our paths in life, it is given.  We may not like it or want it, yet it is ours alone. Ollie knew. I know. And the true MAGIC happens when we HONOR our path. I intend to and welcome the flying monkeys to join me, which if the present human spirit of many out there prevails, will be quite often. The path is never easy yet I walk on regardless...and you can too.

A Trip Down Memory Lane...All Aboard!

Tomorrow I head to Chicago and the burbs for a very SPECIAL trip...and in so many ways. I get to spend time with my son George who lives with his Dad and who I miss dearly and thank the Lord for facebook so I can daily trot over to his wall and see what he is up to without being an intrusive mother:) Recently George participated in the St Baldrick's Fundraiser where he shaved his head and in the process went over his $500 goal of donations in memory of his brother, his team he poignantly titled "Ollie Express". Oof....he shared with me recently that despite it's been 7 years this month since he's been gone, he feels it more than ever, contrary to the old saying that I admit pisses me off when I hear it, of 'time being a healer'. We never fully heal. It just changes and have learnt that what we do with our grief contributes greatly. So proud of my son George and when I see him, shall kiss that beautiful bald head.  It has been almost a year since I left Lifetime Fitness and to be walking through the doors again will be emotional for the six years I spent there was so much more than teaching. Teaching group fitness to me is about connecting...bonding and for the group fitness groupies out there and fellow instructors, I see you nodding your head. You get it.  I recall a year after Ollie's death, my grief all consuming and head buried in writing it all OUT, I had imagined I would never teach again and certainly had no plans to. How could I return to something I was so passionate about when I was dead inside? You know it's funny because in the 20 years I've been in this business, for many of those the father of my children, Pete, considered my then part time teaching something as almost frivolous, could not 'see' what I saw in teaching and would often joke to me about it. Yet over the years he did 'see'. He knew what it was truly all about for me...he got it. Despite we were separated at the time, Pete came over to see me one day where he found me in my usual spot at the computer, dressing gown on, a slovenly mess as my fingers bashed away, forgetting selfishly my other two children as I neglected not only them, yet also myself. He handed me the local newspaper. "You should go audition for this Deb.  It's time." Looking at the newspaper he had circled an ad. Lifetime Fitness were looking for staff for their new facility opening late that Summer. At the time, I barely looked at it, wallowing in self pity. A week later, I came across the ad again when our kitty Ella had lain across it on the floor and picking it up, decided to call. I don't even know why, for I really don't recall actively thinking about it. My journey with my Lifetime Fitness family had begun. The members I came to know and love MORE than just my members gave me MORE than I gave them.  They were instrumental in my healing as a mother. I grew with them, alongside them, and they with me. I shared everything with them, laughter AND tears in Studio 1 and in the cafeteria where we would often sit and chat about life, love and the whole bloody Universe. They were with me when I shared my dreams, my loss, my joy and CHEERED when my son had the Metra Passenger Engine 401 named after him, sought it out, travelled on it, shared their inspirations from it and applauded in class when they learnt my book would be published. They were witness to a dream happening before their eyes.  My Lifetime Fitness WAS and IS and always will be, my FAMILY and to be able to spend some time with them this weekend, both in the class room and at the book signing, on the anniversary of Ollie's passing is a beautiful GIFT and as Ollie himself knows as he flies across the tracks, everything happens when it is supposed to and as always, RIGHT ON TIME:) I am also deeply honored to be the Guest Speaker at a Corporate Breakfast down town Chicago on Thursday morning where I will be sharing my thoughts with around 200 guests, the 'Children's Champions', philanthropists and corporate companies who give generously each year to Children's Memorial, an honor because I finally get to say, thank you. Children's informed me that they have purchased 150 of my books to give as gifts to these wonderful patrons and I await eagerly how it will affect them...the journey continues....and happy am I that I am doing what my Ollie asked...and of course right on time as I type those words I hear a train honking....